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okay, breathe, this is a realization post
Jan. 3rd, 2019 09:33 pm trying to be okay with myself making the executive decision to not grade and instead spend the whole day reading fic
it is difficult setting boundaries between work and home and i'm trying to be better and not feel guilty bc it's true that they'll post my job before they bury me but at the same time i would like to avoid having another hardcore panic attack at 3 AM.
i have a bunch of things/life errands that i need to run within the next month, and literally everything that is keeping me from doing them (and have been, for the past six months) is related to my job and how my job takes over my life. while, yes, it is the kind of job that takes over people's lives, especially when you want to do it well, i need it to not. i can't thinking of my job as the main focal point of my life. it is not. other people don't spend their lives obsessed/sucked into their jobs, which means i can make that shift, too. i can't keep thinking of time as "as long as i make it through this chunk of time, i'll be fine." that's a TERRIBLE way to think of living my life. that isn't living. i need to be able to have a life outside of my job, and for me to do that freely - i need to move out. i think of my parent's house as a home, but it doesn't actually provide me any refuge from the things i need refuge from. i'm saving money, but am i saving my mental health? the answer is fuck no.
basically, i'm realizing that i need to prioritize myself above my job (and, wow, isn't that a fucked up thing to realize that you've not been doing).
but, fuck, if looking for housing isn't its own mess of stress.
anyways, the point of this is that my friend was right. i'm going about this year in the wrong way. i'm looking for the work to vitalize me, but it's actually draining me and causing me to burn out. i would prefer not to burn out, lol. i don't know what i would do with my life if i had to switch career paths, but also, i would like to enjoy this path for a few more years before it takes a turn (probably inevitably).
also, people keep pressuring me to go on dates and to be in a relationship, and i don't really want to? but also, i don't think i can live in my parents' house and go on dates. that screams wrongness somehow. and i want to figure out who i, me, am first. what do i like to do in my free time? something creative. some kind of exercise regimen (ease myself into it). i'd like to be doing those things, instead of stressing about not grading.
i need help. my other friend was also right about that - not waiting until it's really bad to get help. get help now. get help as soon as possible. gdi.
it is difficult setting boundaries between work and home and i'm trying to be better and not feel guilty bc it's true that they'll post my job before they bury me but at the same time i would like to avoid having another hardcore panic attack at 3 AM.
i have a bunch of things/life errands that i need to run within the next month, and literally everything that is keeping me from doing them (and have been, for the past six months) is related to my job and how my job takes over my life. while, yes, it is the kind of job that takes over people's lives, especially when you want to do it well, i need it to not. i can't thinking of my job as the main focal point of my life. it is not. other people don't spend their lives obsessed/sucked into their jobs, which means i can make that shift, too. i can't keep thinking of time as "as long as i make it through this chunk of time, i'll be fine." that's a TERRIBLE way to think of living my life. that isn't living. i need to be able to have a life outside of my job, and for me to do that freely - i need to move out. i think of my parent's house as a home, but it doesn't actually provide me any refuge from the things i need refuge from. i'm saving money, but am i saving my mental health? the answer is fuck no.
basically, i'm realizing that i need to prioritize myself above my job (and, wow, isn't that a fucked up thing to realize that you've not been doing).
but, fuck, if looking for housing isn't its own mess of stress.
anyways, the point of this is that my friend was right. i'm going about this year in the wrong way. i'm looking for the work to vitalize me, but it's actually draining me and causing me to burn out. i would prefer not to burn out, lol. i don't know what i would do with my life if i had to switch career paths, but also, i would like to enjoy this path for a few more years before it takes a turn (probably inevitably).
also, people keep pressuring me to go on dates and to be in a relationship, and i don't really want to? but also, i don't think i can live in my parents' house and go on dates. that screams wrongness somehow. and i want to figure out who i, me, am first. what do i like to do in my free time? something creative. some kind of exercise regimen (ease myself into it). i'd like to be doing those things, instead of stressing about not grading.
i need help. my other friend was also right about that - not waiting until it's really bad to get help. get help now. get help as soon as possible. gdi.
