my mood descriptor won't fit down below, so i'll stick it up here. basically, i'm in A Mood for no good reason except that i feel like i'm taking one step back for the two steps i gained (okay, so valid enough reason). am listening religiously to the
goblin instrumental soundtrack to cope. it's kind of working.
this month has sped by, through the out-of-town-ness, two injuries that have severely limited my mobility, and hanging with friends with whom i actually want to hang out with. this distinction is important, because there are two people who've reached out to me that i feel very 'meh' about reconnecting with simply because the times during which we were friends feel very far off from the person i am now. man, has this year aged me a truckton.
one event changed my life forever, and i didn't share the details with everyone in my life, just a select few, and it feels like if you don't know it, you no longer know the real me, nor are you privy anymore to the real me. at least as it applies to old friends. but also, i don't really want to talk about it with them, because i feel like they'd just give me the same platitudes that you do when someone reveals some tragic thing about their life. i don't need their feelings coloring the way that i already feel and am making peace about it. if you're in the know, it's fine. but if you're not in the know, i'm not about to come out of the grief closet just for your convenience / desire to "catch up." (this is probably petty, but i think the pettiness will be partially explained in the paragraphs below.)
my feelings about these people are also tricky because i think they're wrapped up in how i felt linked to them as a group with friend x back in high school, and my feelings about friend x are so fucking tangled up in a wrathful mess (not necessarily with the wrath directed at her, but more like, the feelings have tangled themselves so tightly that they're constantly fighting each other), where i've basically put it in moratorium for all of fourth year, and then finally started to unravel in this past year, starting with, i think i'm ready to let friend x go. slowly. i don't want to burn bridges--just because that seems unnecessarily hurtful and vengeance-centered--even if in the darkest moments of my depression i did feel that way about many of my friendships, this one included. (realistically, this friendship breakup is more difficult than said, because we're mutuals on, like, every social media site possible, with the exception of here. literally just this one.)
back to these two friends who've reached out recently. for whatever reason, i don't feel any desire to get to know them anymore? or to stay in touch. there's a reason why i never texted either of them in the past year (or two years). i just...i've grown so much, and lost contact, and they hadn't made any gestures of renewing our friendship, which is why it got left by the wayside by both of us (in both friendships). the trickiness lies in how the other two might still remain friends with friend x, and i feel slightly awkward in interacting with them knowing how i feel about friend x and keeping my feelings to myself. (plus, i wouldn't want to unduly influence their perceptions of friend x, though honestly, this is not a major priority.) however, i don't actually want to share my friendship revelations with them, because they're in that red zone, too, though for less complicated reasons. which is probably also a result of my relationship with each of them as being less intense than my relationship with friend x ever was.
but also, going back to this school year--it honestly does feel like it's been a million years stuffed into one. i'm so tired. i'm also hitting that time of the summer where i begin to feel entirely too listless and purposeful-less, so i think i want to get back into the community.
hello, feelings, didn't realize i had so many of you. but glad to see you out on the page again. glad to have this place where i can feelings dump.
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