dreamkunoichi

suffice to say, a lot has happened in the past 1.5 years:

-pandemic
-still being in the pandemic

-feeling very tired all the time (but when have i ever NOT been tired, lmao)
-so close to freedom, yet so far away
 

 trying to be okay with myself making the executive decision to not grade and instead spend the whole day reading fic

it is difficult setting boundaries between work and home and i'm trying to be better and not feel guilty bc it's true that they'll post my job before they bury me but at the same time i would like to avoid having another hardcore panic attack at 3 AM.

i have a bunch of things/life errands that i need to run within the next month, and literally everything that is keeping me from doing them (and have been, for the past six months) is related to my job and how my job takes over my life. while, yes, it is the kind of job that takes over people's lives, especially when you want to do it well, i need it to not. i can't thinking of my job as the main focal point of my life. it is not. other people don't spend their lives obsessed/sucked into their jobs, which means i can make that shift, too. i can't keep thinking of time as "as long as i make it through this chunk of time, i'll be fine." that's a TERRIBLE way to think of living my life. that isn't living. i need to be able to have a life outside of my job, and for me to do that freely - i need to move out. i think of my parent's house as a home, but it doesn't actually provide me any refuge from the things i need refuge from. i'm saving money, but am i saving my mental health? the answer is fuck no.

basically, i'm realizing that i need to prioritize myself above my job (and, wow, isn't that a fucked up thing to realize that you've not been doing). 

but, fuck, if looking for housing isn't its own mess of stress.

anyways, the point of this is that my friend was right. i'm going about this year in the wrong way. i'm looking for the work to vitalize me, but it's actually draining me and causing me to burn out. i would prefer not to burn out, lol. i don't know what i would do with my life if i had to switch career paths, but also, i would like to enjoy this path for a few more years before it takes a turn (probably inevitably).

also, people keep pressuring me to go on dates and to be in a relationship, and i don't really want to? but also, i don't think i can live in my parents' house and go on dates. that screams wrongness somehow. and i want to figure out who i, me, am first. what do i like to do in my free time? something creative. some kind of exercise regimen (ease myself into it). i'd like to be doing those things, instead of stressing about not grading. 

i need help. my other friend was also right about that - not waiting until it's really bad to get help. get help now. get help as soon as possible. gdi.

me @ myself: WHY ARE YOUR SHOULDERS SO TENSE

me: idk idk idk idk

also me: is my natural state just to be stressed????

 you need to change your tumblr url and ideally you'd make a post about it, but the person you're about to block on tumblr is the whole reason why you're changing it...

also idk what i'd change it to. the only username that feels more true to myself than the one i have is this one, but i would never do that to myself.

• fic(s) that will tear me the shit to pieces
• probably something in terms of dramione, snamione, or bellarke
• resolution even though i'm probably not going to get it in regards to friendships-that-i've-outgrown-but-haven't-figured-out-how-to-deal-with-yet
• also i kind of want more internet friends? and rl friends? 

this week, my list of things to accomplish include

• finishing rl work stuff
• cleaning my shit into respectable chaos (versus wild, overgrown chaos) both in the dining room & my own room & my papers & my books
• backing up some tumblr posts into word doc format
• maybe make a fanmix? 
• figuring out a schedule of rl community events i can/should be attending

my mood descriptor won't fit down below, so i'll stick it up here. basically, i'm in A Mood for no good reason except that i feel like i'm taking one step back for the two steps i gained (okay, so valid enough reason). am listening religiously to the goblin instrumental soundtrack to cope. it's kind of working. 

this month has sped by, through the out-of-town-ness, two injuries that have severely limited my mobility, and hanging with friends with whom i actually want to hang out with. this distinction is important, because there are two people who've reached out to me that i feel very 'meh' about reconnecting with simply because the times during which we were friends feel very far off from the person i am now.  man, has this year aged me a truckton. 

one event changed my life forever, and i didn't share the details with everyone in my life, just a select few, and it feels like if you don't know it, you no longer know the real me, nor are you privy anymore to the real me. at least as it applies to old friends. but also, i don't really want to talk about it with them, because i feel like they'd just give me the same platitudes that you do when someone reveals some tragic thing about their life. i don't need their feelings coloring the way that i already feel and am making peace about it. if you're in the know, it's fine. but if you're not in the know, i'm not about to come out of the grief closet just for your convenience / desire to "catch up." (this is probably petty, but i think the pettiness will be partially explained in the paragraphs below.) 

my feelings about these people are also tricky because i think they're wrapped up in how i felt linked to them as a group with friend x back in high school, and my feelings about friend x are so fucking tangled up in a wrathful mess (not necessarily with the wrath directed at her, but more like, the feelings have tangled themselves so tightly that they're constantly fighting each other), where i've basically put it in moratorium for all of fourth year, and then finally started to unravel in this past year, starting with, i think i'm ready to let friend x go. slowly. i don't want to burn bridges--just because that seems unnecessarily hurtful and vengeance-centered--even if in the darkest moments of my depression i did feel that way about many of my friendships, this one included. (realistically, this friendship breakup is more difficult than said, because we're mutuals on, like, every social media site possible, with the exception of here. literally just this one.)

back to these two friends who've reached out recently. for whatever reason, i don't feel any desire to get to know them anymore? or to stay in touch. there's a reason why i never texted either of them in the past year (or two years). i just...i've grown so much, and lost contact, and they hadn't made any gestures of renewing our friendship, which is why it got left by the wayside by both of us (in both friendships). the trickiness lies in how the other two might still remain friends with friend x, and i feel slightly awkward in interacting with them knowing how i feel about friend x and keeping my feelings to myself. (plus, i wouldn't want to unduly influence their perceptions of friend x, though honestly, this is not a major priority.) however, i don't actually want to share my friendship revelations with them, because they're in that red zone, too, though for less complicated reasons. which is probably also a result of my relationship with each of them as being less intense than my relationship with friend x ever was.  

but also, going back to this school year--it honestly does feel like it's been a million years stuffed into one. i'm so tired. i'm also hitting that time of the summer where i begin to feel entirely too listless and purposeful-less, so i think i want to get back into the community. 

hello, feelings, didn't realize i had so many of you. but glad to see you out on the page again. glad to have this place where i can feelings dump. 

 the kraken semester has come to a close, i officially miss all my kiddos, i officially don't know what to do with myself, i officially need to write more poems, i officially need to decide to do something:

-pick a fic to read
-pick a pairing to read bc vacillating between dramione and sirmione (or however you spell it) is going to drive me bonkers and i can't do both
-pick a book to read
-pick books to bring with me
-pick foods i wanna eat

all of this is to say: i have too much free time on my hands yet not enough
all of this is to say: my mother is snoring upstairs even though she claims on the daily basis that she doesn't
all of this is to say: too many thoughts, not enough solid thoughts to spur myself into action

 so i don't remember what i was trying to reference in my last post (pd week? first week of school?)

BUT. this is a quiet time while working. right now. 

current state: listening to "remember me?" mix for furiosa on 8tracks while giving fb for the first time.

current state: missing out on replying to people's texts. i'm the worst, but also i'm dealing with work and like, the threat of raccoon eyes.

 which got delayed by my inevitable plunge into sleeping in late. 

I did get a really great sleep last night, though, so there's something to be said for exercising. 

I'm reading up on how to get into shape because I never got around to learning how and by the time I actually took this thing called exercise seriously, I'd already forgotten everything I'd learned remotely about it from 9th grade gym. So yes, these days I'm trying this novel thing called walking. Still working up to the tremendous milestone that is waking up early and then going walking before the heat sets in, but hey, I'm a work in progress, okay?

Besides my awakening to the importance of exercise, also trying to get the rest of my errands done this week (& then packing, oh god, the h o r r o r s of packing), things I'm trying to get done include: making a cover for a playlist using my very rudimentary aka practically non-existent GIMP skills, listening to Jamila Woods' album HEAVN which is so far turning out to be my wisest commitment yet, catching up to the latest #GoodMuslimBadMuslim podcast (I am still like six episodes behind), writing a fic for which I have the first line on a Google Doc, finishing all my library books before I have to return them this weekend, creating that weebly for fic recs (really more as a thing for myself more than anything), etc. 

There's probably more out there, but I can't seem to scrounge up any of those runaway thoughts. 

LOL IS EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOUT LATELY HAS IN SOME WAY CONNECTED TO FIC aka things I notice while trying to hammer out a proper tag system