Intro Post

Jun. 18th, 2016 12:30 am
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
[personal profile] dreamkunoichi
Hello, to whoever's out there reading this. 

Little known secret to all, squashed by my tendency to wipe the social anxious moments of my life into oblivion: I hate intro posts. Like, this is my first post on dreamwidth, obviously it's the first one; whether or not it's an intro post isn't even a question. For some reason I feel an obligation to state it and to give a run-down of my interests, but my interests are ever changing, and although I'm a loyal fan, I tend to fall down a slippery slope of being intense and then drifting away to other interests after half a year, then coming back after my contemporaries have left. Fic-wise, at least. 

It's been a weird year for me, finding-my-writing-voice- and commitment-wise. At the end of December 2015, I finished and posted a fic for the first time in like, eight years. It was a one-shot, which made it easier, and I'd signed up for a Mad Max gift exchange, which forced me to actually lay down in bed and write, even if I'd barely started two days before the deadline. I stayed up an extra three hours and finished it. It was a miracle--or, it seems like one. I can't write for shit nowadays. Even though I'd spent a whole semester cranking out poetry, even though I got to a place where I was really writing some poems to be proud of, where I thought I could scrape up what was left of my creative energy and keep dancing along this godforsaken limb, I can't. I'm a dried up prune. Something drank up all my life-giving water, and it wasn't the poetry. It wasn't the lesson plans and curriculums I had to design. It's a symptom of the depression, but I don't think it's caused by the depression. There isn't anything that I can pin it on for sure, but it's been circling me for the past three years of college and I don't know what to do about it. 

I've been at this half-empty place for awhile, I think. In group this past semester, I thought a lot about feeling like I've buried my words in quicksand, except that quicksand has been inside of my fucking soul. I keep reading--and by the gods, reading has done wonders for me these past few weeks (I've laughed a lot and cried a lot)--but I can't seem to drudge up the energy or the time or even the guilt to propel myself into writing those three poems I owe a friend for her project that have been overdue for practically three weeks now.

I keep losing words. And motivation to respond to text messages. Which sucks incredibly. 

So this is a last ditch effort to scrape my way out of this fucking hole in my spirit. Because tumblr doesn't suit as a place for truth-telling anymore--not that it truly ever did with the judgments of rl friends looming overhead my tastes for unconventional/unpopular-according-to-their-tastes-pairings--and I need to create a vaguely fandom-related space where I can say things and be not afraid. 

A title and subtitle will come in time. (Was never good at making those decisions on the spot anyway.) 





Profile

dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
dreamkunoichi

July 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
23 45678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
3031     

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Jul. 20th, 2017 06:42 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios