dreamkunoichi: (furiosa rearview mirror)
  • fic(s) that will tear me the shit to pieces
  • probably something in terms of dramione, snamione, or bellarke
  • resolution even though i'm probably not going to get it in regards to friendships-that-i've-outgrown-but-haven't-figured-out-how-to-deal-with-yet
  • also i kind of want more internet friends? and rl friends? 

this week, my list of things to accomplish include
  • finishing rl work stuff
  • cleaning my shit into respectable chaos (versus wild, overgrown chaos) both in the dining room & my own room & my papers & my books
  • backing up some tumblr posts into word doc format
  • maybe make a fanmix? 
  • figuring out a schedule of rl community events i can/should be attending


dreamkunoichi: (flower crown)
maybe it's time to dig out my awesome journal from way back when

but also, brief follow up post to my previous post about meeting up with re: old friends who no longer fit me, yeah, the meeting played out as expected. i felt super awkward during pauses because i felt like they expected me to say things, but i no longer know what those things are, because i'm not the same person who would say them. two hours was not that long, and two hours was too fucking long. so idk how these two relationships will continue. my dad says, keep whittling at it, not as in, keep working at it, but rather, you should once-in-a-while keep in contact with these people. and in terms of the idea, it's not bad. but in terms of how healthy it would be emotionally for me to do that, it...kinda fucking sucks. 

other twisty trickiness: tbm in the handwritten journal, i guess.
dreamkunoichi: (ziva david)
my mood descriptor won't fit down below, so i'll stick it up here. basically, i'm in A Mood for no good reason except that i feel like i'm taking one step back for the two steps i gained (okay, so valid enough reason). am listening religiously to the goblin instrumental soundtrack to cope. it's kind of working. 

this month has sped by, through the out-of-town-ness, two injuries that have severely limited my mobility, and hanging with friends with whom i actually want to hang out with. this distinction is important, because there are two people who've reached out to me that i feel very 'meh' about reconnecting with simply because the times during which we were friends feel very far off from the person i am now.  man, has this year aged me a truckton. 

one event changed my life forever, and i didn't share the details with everyone in my life, just a select few, and it feels like if you don't know it, you no longer know the real me, nor are you privy anymore to the real me. at least as it applies to old friends. but also, i don't really want to talk about it with them, because i feel like they'd just give me the same platitudes that you do when someone reveals some tragic thing about their life. i don't need their feelings coloring the way that i already feel and am making peace about it. if you're in the know, it's fine. but if you're not in the know, i'm not about to come out of the grief closet just for your convenience / desire to "catch up." (this is probably petty, but i think the pettiness will be partially explained in the paragraphs below.) 

my feelings about these people are also tricky because i think they're wrapped up in how i felt linked to them as a group with friend x back in high school, and my feelings about friend x are so fucking tangled up in a wrathful mess (not necessarily with the wrath directed at her, but more like, the feelings have tangled themselves so tightly that they're constantly fighting each other), where i've basically put it in moratorium for all of fourth year, and then finally started to unravel in this past year, starting with, i think i'm ready to let friend x go. slowly. i don't want to burn bridges--just because that seems unnecessarily hurtful and vengeance-centered--even if in the darkest moments of my depression i did feel that way about many of my friendships, this one included. (realistically, this friendship breakup is more difficult than said, because we're mutuals on, like, every social media site possible, with the exception of here. literally just this one.)

back to these two friends who've reached out recently. for whatever reason, i don't feel any desire to get to know them anymore? or to stay in touch. there's a reason why i never texted either of them in the past year (or two years). i just...i've grown so much, and lost contact, and they hadn't made any gestures of renewing our friendship, which is why it got left by the wayside by both of us (in both friendships). the trickiness lies in how the other two might still remain friends with friend x, and i feel slightly awkward in interacting with them knowing how i feel about friend x and keeping my feelings to myself. (plus, i wouldn't want to unduly influence their perceptions of friend x, though honestly, this is not a major priority.) however, i don't actually want to share my friendship revelations with them, because they're in that red zone, too, though for less complicated reasons. which is probably also a result of my relationship with each of them as being less intense than my relationship with friend x ever was.  

but also, going back to this school year--it honestly does feel like it's been a million years stuffed into one. i'm so tired. i'm also hitting that time of the summer where i begin to feel entirely too listless and purposeful-less, so i think i want to get back into the community. 

hello, feelings, didn't realize i had so many of you. but glad to see you out on the page again. glad to have this place where i can feelings dump. 

dreamkunoichi: (mako mori majestic)
HOW THE BLOODY FUCK DID I NOT KNOW

my mind is blown and i am blown blown blown

also i need to muster up the energy and words to text back friends 
also i need to muster up the energy to conquer this illness thing
also i need to finish doing laundry and write poetry and fic and finish reading all those library books lol and mine own so i can figure which to bring back to school with me and which i can leave at home

also there is so much pain in my heart and i can't possibly cry it all out during winter break and i feel like i'm on a hair trigger whenever anyone even mentions her
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
 the kraken semester has come to a close, i officially miss all my kiddos, i officially don't know what to do with myself, i officially need to write more poems, i officially need to decide to do something:

-pick a fic to read
-pick a pairing to read bc vacillating between dramione and sirmione (or however you spell it) is going to drive me bonkers and i can't do both
-pick a book to read
-pick books to bring with me
-pick foods i wanna eat

all of this is to say: i have too much free time on my hands yet not enough
all of this is to say: my mother is snoring upstairs even though she claims on the daily basis that she doesn't
all of this is to say: too many thoughts, not enough solid thoughts to spur myself into action

dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
 in a very mmfr soundtrack mood right now.

gonna have to take a shower, but need to get out of bed for that. is that possible right now? i do not know.

HOLY HELLS

Sep. 13th, 2016 09:33 pm
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
 so i don't remember what i was trying to reference in my last post (pd week? first week of school?)

BUT. this is a quiet time while working. right now. 

current state: listening to "remember me?" mix for furiosa on 8tracks while giving fb for the first time.

current state: missing out on replying to people's texts. i'm the worst, but also i'm dealing with work and like, the threat of raccoon eyes.

lol

Aug. 22nd, 2016 11:42 pm
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
placeholder post while i try to get my life into an organized chaos level once again and also i'm tired

(that's it that's the story)

(jk there's lots more to tell but i NEED to go to bed now so i can get 6 hrs of sleep)

dreamkunoichi: (cristina yang classic)
 which got delayed by my inevitable plunge into sleeping in late. 

I did get a really great sleep last night, though, so there's something to be said for exercising. 

I'm reading up on how to get into shape because I never got around to learning how and by the time I actually took this thing called exercise seriously, I'd already forgotten everything I'd learned remotely about it from 9th grade gym. So yes, these days I'm trying this novel thing called walking. Still working up to the tremendous milestone that is waking up early and then going walking before the heat sets in, but hey, I'm a work in progress, okay?

Besides my awakening to the importance of exercise, also trying to get the rest of my errands done this week (& then packing, oh god, the h o r r o r s of packing), things I'm trying to get done include: making a cover for a playlist using my very rudimentary aka practically non-existent GIMP skills, listening to Jamila Woods' album HEAVN which is so far turning out to be my wisest commitment yet, catching up to the latest #GoodMuslimBadMuslim podcast (I am still like six episodes behind), writing a fic for which I have the first line on a Google Doc, finishing all my library books before I have to return them this weekend, creating that weebly for fic recs (really more as a thing for myself more than anything), etc. 

There's probably more out there, but I can't seem to scrounge up any of those runaway thoughts. 

LOL IS EVERYTHING I WROTE ABOUT LATELY HAS IN SOME WAY CONNECTED TO FIC aka things I notice while trying to hammer out a proper tag system
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
 (Goddamn it, I pressed backspace by accident and all my unsaved text disappeared.)

To continue...THAT FEELING WHEN you stumble across a Naruto fic ft. a badass, time-traveling, friendship-forging Sakura emblazoned with a cover art that is simplistic and yet oh so fucking gorgeous. Maybe I'm easily impressed (jk no no I'm not), but it's the best damn Naruto thing that I've read in ages. If by ages, you mean, in like, a week. Okay, so I've been spending my week of freedom with lots of fic. Nothing wrong with that, even if to my real life parents it seems like I'm lazing about. 

I was even going to skip over this fic because I felt pretty meh about the summary (now that I've read the fic, the summary makes so much sense), but something about this cover art haunted me. So I kept the tab open. This is a feat because I'm the kraken of the most-tabs-you've-ever-seen-in-a-window species, and sometimes I never return to old tabs. Here, have a look yourself:

Portrait split in half: one half, mysterious ANBU mask, other half, Sakura Haruno's gorgeous face.
 
I am such a fan of these covers, especially when done well. Even though the two faces here aren't perfectly aligned, there's still something about this portrait that strikes at my soul, probably the smoothness of the blank ANBU mask. Honestly, this probably harkens back to my childhood love for Disney's Mulan (1998) VHS tape cover, despite the mixed feelings I have about the actual movie. See below for comparison:

Disney Mulan (1998) VHS tape cover


Even if you are not so easily impressed by covers (but let me tell you right now how difficult it is to craft a good one), GO READ THIS FIC. It's so worth your time (and reviews)!
dreamkunoichi: (cristina yang classic)
  • went on a walk that turned into a run for the last leg of it when the skies opened and thundered again
  • marathoning the third season of arrow even though i quit when they killed sara lance for oliver's mainpain & merlyn's gain and used thea queen to do it
  • finished the last of my ice cream cake
  • shoulders are tense again despite me using a massage machine thing
  • also i just read a kisame/sakura semi-crack fic and i liked it
dreamkunoichi: (ziva david the FACE)
 one second, i'm reading kakasaku + sakura-centric stuff + wanting to write my own stuff (i have a one-liner currently floating around somewhere), the next, i'm back to wanting more dramione. i read a harry/pansy fic which pulled at my heartstrings with how much pansy was hurting, but i have a thing where i can't read anything sexual about harry because i've seen him too long as a brother-ly type figure to hermione. so it feels weird, even if the pansy-lens feels right. 

idk, i feel like i'm avoiding my real life responsibilities right now, but i'm forcing myself to write about something. to at least keep up weekly journals even if i can't do daily journals, even if i can't write 1000 words a day which is one of those habits i'm hoping will kickstart itself into existence one of these days. 

anyway, gonna seep in some more fic.

(trying to not drink tea is also a losing battle, i'm finding.)
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
 this week has been a week where the universe has taken a collective shit on my world so that people in my life are hurting and i feel so helpless because i want to be there for them, specifically for my best friend. i'm offering words and love, but i can't help but feel that it's not enough. i hate that i'm not there to literally be there for her. i hate that i can't just hug her and sit shoulder to shoulder with her. i hate that i can't sit in silence with her. i also miss the fuck out of her, which makes me feel even more helpless.

and like, this doesn't even compare to what she's feeling? i don't want to unload my stuff onto her; that defeats the whole purpose of me being there for her. so i'm texting and waiting and hoping and thinking about her and sending lots and lots of love.
dreamkunoichi: (determined)
that I don't want to be feeling.

I have to write a short lesson plan for teaching in a non-English language, which is fine, but makes me nervous for tomorrow. It's all a learning experience and it'll be the first time that I teach in a language that my students can't understand (or at least, the first time that I'll teaching in that kind of scenario). 

My best friend sent me a text about a family situation and I want to express my caring for her and concern but I'm not sure how to go about it? 

I need to clean my bathroom. Not a big deal, but with the other things on my mind, it feels like another thing to worry about in this mini-mountain of things. 

Okay. I'm gonna do things now. I think. Once I'm on a roll, it'll be easier to do things and the anxiety will hopefully ease a little.


FINALLY

Jun. 19th, 2016 10:10 pm
dreamkunoichi: (mako mori maybe amused)
 I dragged my ass into completing these readings and postings and analysis assignments. I finished all my requisite postings for this week, still have to at least skim 80 pages of reading, and get a brief break tonight and then I gotta jump right back in tomorrow for next week's readings and assignments. And I can't afford any delays next week because of real life college things.

Guuuurl, why did you do this to yourself? Summer classes just put extra pressure on you to be the school year you. And frankly, after a school year like this last one, you deserve a break. Anyway. 

Finally resolved four windows into three with many less tabs squeezed in and with one "workstation" window and two "play" windows. After you finish your readings, I'm gonna treat you to a Grey's Anatomy two episode binge. You got that?

Aight. Peace, self. 

P.S. Check out this 8tracks playlist, "Starchild," one of many that I call on when studying.

Intro Post

Jun. 18th, 2016 12:30 am
dreamkunoichi: Screenshot of Mako Mori, hair lit up, from the movie Pacific Rim (2013). (Default)
Hello, to whoever's out there reading this. 

Little known secret to all, squashed by my tendency to wipe the social anxious moments of my life into oblivion: I hate intro posts. Like, this is my first post on dreamwidth, obviously it's the first one; whether or not it's an intro post isn't even a question. For some reason I feel an obligation to state it and to give a run-down of my interests, but my interests are ever changing, and although I'm a loyal fan, I tend to fall down a slippery slope of being intense and then drifting away to other interests after half a year, then coming back after my contemporaries have left. Fic-wise, at least. 

It's been a weird year for me, finding-my-writing-voice- and commitment-wise. At the end of December 2015, I finished and posted a fic for the first time in like, eight years. It was a one-shot, which made it easier, and I'd signed up for a Mad Max gift exchange, which forced me to actually lay down in bed and write, even if I'd barely started two days before the deadline. I stayed up an extra three hours and finished it. It was a miracle--or, it seems like one. I can't write for shit nowadays. Even though I'd spent a whole semester cranking out poetry, even though I got to a place where I was really writing some poems to be proud of, where I thought I could scrape up what was left of my creative energy and keep dancing along this godforsaken limb, I can't. I'm a dried up prune. Something drank up all my life-giving water, and it wasn't the poetry. It wasn't the lesson plans and curriculums I had to design. It's a symptom of the depression, but I don't think it's caused by the depression. There isn't anything that I can pin it on for sure, but it's been circling me for the past three years of college and I don't know what to do about it. 

I've been at this half-empty place for awhile, I think. In group this past semester, I thought a lot about feeling like I've buried my words in quicksand, except that quicksand has been inside of my fucking soul. I keep reading--and by the gods, reading has done wonders for me these past few weeks (I've laughed a lot and cried a lot)--but I can't seem to drudge up the energy or the time or even the guilt to propel myself into writing those three poems I owe a friend for her project that have been overdue for practically three weeks now.

I keep losing words. And motivation to respond to text messages. Which sucks incredibly. 

So this is a last ditch effort to scrape my way out of this fucking hole in my spirit. Because tumblr doesn't suit as a place for truth-telling anymore--not that it truly ever did with the judgments of rl friends looming overhead my tastes for unconventional/unpopular-according-to-their-tastes-pairings--and I need to create a vaguely fandom-related space where I can say things and be not afraid. 

A title and subtitle will come in time. (Was never good at making those decisions on the spot anyway.) 





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